My Body Issues?

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Okay, so today I'm going to write a post that is very personal to me, and quite hard to write. I've seen a lot of posts recently about weight and size, and how people should be able to be any size that they want without abuse and bullying. I totally agree with this, but in today's society it can be hard to get along in life if you aren't the 'perfect size' advertised by the media.
As far back as I can remember, I was always a 'chubby' child, a bit bigger than the other kids with a round face. When you're young, nobody thinks about size, children don't judge each other based on appearance and how 'beautiful' they are. I felt fine, I was happy in myself. Then in the later years of primary school I got a little bit bigger and started to get bullied for being 'fat.' Obviously this started to affect me, as it isn't nice to be left out or called because of how you look. I don't know how much I weighed back then, as I never weighed myself as a child, but I wasn't what you'd call 'obese' just a little overweight as some children can be.
I went to high school and was also bullied there. My form group was awful, full of horrible, chavvy boys who were complete bullies (just gonna point out that they've now got nowhere in life and I'm doing a Politics degree.) It was always really intimidating to go into the form room and sit there. Now in high school, people start to think about 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends' and people start to get judged on how they look. I can honestly say that nothing is worse than being the fat, ugly girl. I lost a bit of 'puppy fat' as I got to the later years of high school but I was still 'fat.' What hurt as well was when people thought they could make a casual comment about your weight, but then didn't understand why you got upset. If people who are considered 'fat' want to joke about their weight then they will do it themselves, it's not anybody else's job to comment on their weight. People just do not understand how much weight can affect some peoples lives.

The above picture is my year 10 photograph at school. Looking back, I don't see what all of the fuss was about. I don't look massive. However, at the time, when so many people are telling you that you are 'fat' you start to believe them.

This picture is me at my year 11 prom. Prom is a day when girls are supposed to feel beautiful about themselves, yet I didn't. I was a large size 12/small 14 at this point, which I know isn't a large size however it was slightly too large for my frame. Shortly after prom I started to exercise 5 days a week and go on a diet. I started out at 10 stone 5, at the end of it I became 8 stone 10. It took me a lot of hard work and determination to lose the weight.

This is what I looked like afterwards. I was a size 8. The most sickening thing after losing the weight and also getting contact lenses, was the fact that people who had previously branded me 'fat' now thought that I was fit/attractive. The size of a persons body, does not determine whether that person is beautiful or ugly. I have always been the same person inside and I find it disgusting that all you have to do is lose weight and lose your glasses to become 'attractive.' I lost the weight for me, not for anyone else, and certainly not to become 'attractive' to shallow people. That was 2 years ago.

Right now I weigh about 9 stone 3 and am a size 10. I am currently aiming to lose a couple of pounds as I feel better when I am that bit thinner. However, I am never happy with my size or the way I look. What people don't understand is that when you bully someone for the way they look, it can leave deep scars that can take years to disappear. I may have lost the weight, and no longer be 'fat' but I haven't lost the deep-seated hate for the way I look. Even when I dropped right down to 8 stone 10 I thought that I was still fat. Looking back at the photos now, I can see that I was very slim, but at the time I just could not see it for myself. Bullying is a sickening thing; people do not have to change their size if they do not want to. A persons   body is nobody else's business
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